. Because at times he would say things that sounded very much like what I had been talking to family about in a group chat.”
Amanda’s husband had been using coercive control for many years. The discovery of technology-facilitated abuse left her feeling violated and alone.
But it also sparked something in her.
“I was angry. But then there was also this sense of freedom in a way, because I have evidence now that you are being manipulative.
“It’s not just a feeling.”
Research has shown that the use of technology to perpetrate violence against women is a rapidly growing and serious problem.
It can include image-based abuse, cyberstalking and AI-generated deepfakes, for example.
Between November 25 and December 10, UN Women is running a campaign drawing attention to the alarming escalation of violence against women under the theme: End digital violence against all women and girls .
We spoke with Amanda, who has since escaped her violent relationship and works with Advocates for Change, about her experience with technology-facilitated abuse, which also included image-based abuse.
The violence escalated after we married
He was not overtly abusive to begin with. The abuse crept in over time.
When we married, that’s when things started to get worse.
There was a lot of coercive control, a lot of making me feel like I was going crazy.
To the point where I had multiple private hospital admissions.
He was always saying I was crazy, that I needed help, but then would get angry when I sought help or went into hospital.
I was beaten down so much that I thought: I can’t survive without this person in my life.
I was worried about little things, like how would I hang a picture frame? Or how would I remember to put the bins out?
Because I was constantly told I was an incompetent person.
He would gaslight me
When I discovered he’d been logging in to my social media, I had already said to him I think we need to break up.
I just had this sudden thought to look through and see what devices had been logging into my account.
He had been accessing it via my personal laptop and his mobile phone.
I was cut off from most of my family and friends, so social media was really my only outlet.
I used to vent to people I trusted and ask for advice.
He was reading what my family and I had been talking about in our group chat, and then using the information against me in a way where he would manipulate it to gaslight and scare me.
I feel dumb now thinking about it, but never did I think he would do that.
I was shocked. I felt silly for not making a stronger password. I felt very alone.
But there was almost like a relief as well, that I was doing the right thing by leaving him.
He took photos while I was asleep
Abusers will use whatever resources they have to reach you and control you. And humiliate you.
He took compromising photos of me when I was asleep and would send them to his friends.
He was so brazen about it, he would show me.
He got so blatant with abuse. He was deadset OK with trying to humiliate me.
That was probably another turning point in our relationship where I knew I had to leave.
The main one, however, was when I found out he was saying horrible things about me to my daughter.
You just get to the point of knowing ‘I actually deserve better than this. I have to get out and show my daughter what a healthy relationship is and how to build boundaries.’
A glimpse into a better life
My ex told me no-one would ever put up with me. When I left the relationship, I was prepared to be alone forever. It was a grieving process.
Of course, that wasn’t the case; I have a beautiful partner now.
But these abusers keep you down, controlled.
I thought I wouldn’t survive without him, but in fact, I’m thriving.
I wish people in these situations could get just a glimpse of how life can be.
So they can see they can do things, there is a life waiting for them.
If I’d known more about tech abuse and how perpetrators use it to control, I would have updated my passwords.
We need to recognise that technology can be used for harm, and to protect ourselves.
Where to get help
Help
Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO . This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111 .
